'I'd always wanted to die, but I wasn't ready to go': How depression and a near-death experience made him appreciate life
October 16, 2024
To mark World Mental Health Day on Oct 10, AsiaOne shines the spotlight on mental health advocates and looks at how Singaporeans cope with mental health issues in their lives.
Noel Boyd was just eight years old when he made a desperate plea to the universe.
"I prayed to god to take my life away," said the 45-year-old emcee and content creator.
His feelings of helplessness were triggered by bullying, not just from his fellow classmates but also teachers who were abusive towards him, he said.
"I remember asking myself, 'Is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life?'"
Being only one of two non-Chinese pupils in the school, Noel often felt like he didn't fit in. He also didn't have many friends.
Confiding in one teacher about the heavy-handed physical punishment he suffered from another teacher proved to be a mistake.
"It got even worse the next day after the teacher told the other about it. So I was like, 'What the s***?' I trusted that one person."
From that point on, he shared that his trust of adults "went from little to zero".
Noel did not tell his parents about the incident, which in hindsight he felt he should have.
Fortunately, his secondary school days turned out to be a far cry from the torment he'd experienced in primary school.
Being a born entertainer, Noel was drawn to the stage and it was there that he uncovered his innate talent for engaging a crowd.
"I started emceeing when I was in secondary two or three. And I was in the lion dance troupe, so I was a pretty popular kid in school," he mused.
But beneath this chatty and extroverted exterior that he presented was another side to his personality few were aware of.
Noel was diagnosed with clinical depression as an adult, but the diagnosis happened only in his 30s, after a suicide attempt in 2018.
Before this, he'd tried to take his life several times. It was only after this last attempt that he finally made the decision to see a therapist regularly, and still does to this day.
Many of his depressive episodes in his 20s to 30s were triggered by relationship issues or a bad breakup.
It was only in therapy that he uncovered the reason why these relationships affected him so badly when they went south. "I had been after love in order to feel loved. So whenever a breakup happened, it felt like I wasn't loved at all," he shared.
There was also no open discussion of mental health at the time, so Noel would keep his problems to himself.
It didn't help that he would feel that he was troubling others if he reached out to friends who didn't know what to say.
"When they'd say, 'Oh my god, again?' I felt that I was troubling them or letting them down.
"As an entertainer, it gets even worse because people always expect you to be the happy, lively one," said Noel.
"But looking back, a lot of that [persona] was fake," he admitted. Only his ex-girlfriends were privy to Noel's more vulnerable side, which made it seem like a betrayal whenever they left.
But Noel holds no blame or resentment towards his exes. "I wasn't a good partner to them," he stated bluntly.
"Ultimately, I didn't love myself," said Noel, citing the phrase, "If you don't love yourself, how do you love somebody else?"
Noel's lifestyle at the time was fuelled by nights out and alcohol. This went on for "many years".
"Whenever I got into a funk, I would turn to alcohol. It was my best friend," he admitted.
Unfortunately, the situation would also get worse whenever he opened up about his troubles to friends, some of whom would respond with, "Come, let's go for a drink."
Despite having been in therapy for several years by then, Noel shared that he suffered a relapse in October 2021.
At the time, Noel and his wife were heading for a separation, which he shared was triggered by his depression as well as other issues brought about by the Covid-19 pandemic.
"I wasn't thinking clearly, and the suicidal thoughts were very strong," said the father of a one-year-old girl and a newborn daughter then.
Unexpectedly, what pulled him back from the brink was a neighbour living on the first floor of his condominium.
Noel had bumped into him as he was going out to buy what he thought would be his "last pack of cigarettes".
"He asked me if I was okay and where I was going, and then he said, 'Okay, I'll talk to you when you get back'. Obviously, I had no intention of talking to him," said Noel.
As fate would have it, the neighbour was waiting for him when Noel returned.
"He just told me, 'Come into my house, we'll talk'," said Noel.
What happened next was something Noel had never experienced before.
It was as if a dam within him broke and a torrent of emotions was released.
"I was just crying and crying and nobody could make me stop," he stated.
A friend then had to send him to the Institute of Mental Health (IMH) but as hospitals were still under Covid-19 restrictions at the time, his friend could only leave him at the door.
Till this day, Noel is not sure what compelled the neighbour to reach out to him.
"I knew he had his own mental health issues as well and we had talked about my journey before. But I'm thankful that he was home at the right time, and he saw me."
The episode, however, also marked a sea change in terms of how Noel viewed his mental health.
Rather than hide it from others as usual, Noel decided to openly share his struggle with depression for the first time on social media.
When asked why he made the brave decision to do a tell-all, Noel said the reasons were manifold.
"Firstly, when I was in IMH, there were people there who recognised me," said Noel, who had made a name for himself on social media as a paranormal investigator; he had also hosted several broadcast TV shows around the same theme.
"I didn't want anyone to be spreading stories about me, so I decided I might as well be open about it," he added.
In his post on Oct 31, 2021, Noel shared about his admission to IMH and his "relapse with depression".
He added then: "There's no shame in not being okay. I hope my honesty helps someone you know get the help he or she needs."
[embed]https://www.facebook.com/noel.boyd/posts/pfbid034DJWzmaCkvg298KD5RdhGjThy2yPQwnSXejHuH22bJAJz4hbQd3vXwvNjnjQKKKyl[/embed]
It's still what he believes in today.
"I get upset when people don't understand what clinical depression is. When people hear the term, they think 'Oh, this person is always sad', but that's not true. It's a chemical imbalance [in the brain] and there's nothing the person can do," said Noel.
He admitted, however, that there was a part of him that feared making the public admission.
"I didn't know if potential clients would be watching the video. And if they don't understand the subject, they're just going to say, 'I think it's better not to hire him'," he stated.
And unfortunately, to Noel's knowledge, it happened with at least one client.
On the flip side, however, it allowed him to "gain some really good clients who have also gone through stuff".
"One of them hugged me and told me, 'Bro, I know exactly what you're going through'," said Noel. "Not only is he a client, he's now a good friend."
Other friends whom he'd "not heard from for a long time" made contact because of this and even some celebrity friends reached out to him to share that they were going through the same thing.
"Mental health affects a lot of people in the creative world," he reflected.
He also surmised that dealing with depression might also be harder for men due to the stoic front that they're expected to put on.
The rhetoric that "a man has to appear strong" is one that Noel strongly disagrees with.
"It's okay [for men] to cry; it's okay to have emotions," said Noel, even as he admitted paradoxically that he wasn't like this before.
Following the last depressive episode where he was admitted to IMH, however, Noel has allowed himself to let his guard down.
"I've allowed people to see the vulnerable side of me."
That side showed up unexpectedly too during our interview when the conversation flowed to Noel's children.
The process of divorce had affected him badly and he took to the bottle heavily during a period of time in 2022.
It took a heart attack in October 2023 to make him realise that he wasn't ready to give up on life.
"My heart stopped in the ambulance and they had to revive me. Everything changed that day, everything," said Noel.
But the heart attack was far from a negative event in his eyes.
To others who'd ask, he always told them that "it was a great thing" to have happened as the time spent in ICU allowed him the space to think clearly for the first time in a long while.
"I'd always wanted to die, but I wasn't ready to go," shared Noel of the realisation.
"I've got two beautiful young girls that I want to see grow up, and I want to make an impact on their lives because I love them so much," said Noel, turning emotional.
After that, living alone while recuperating also made him realise how strong he can be. At the time, even doing the simplest things such as going out to buy a meal would be a chore that'd leave him winded.
In January this year, Noel was at a hawker centre when he started bleeding profusely from his nose and mouth. "It took five hours to stop the bleeding [in the hospital]," said Noel.
It got so bad that one of the doctors had whispered in his ear to "think of the person you love the most to help you through this time", he shared.
"I thought of my two girls, because I thought I would never see them again."
Thankfully, the bleeding eventually stopped. But till date, Noel is unsure about why it had happened.
Noel describes himself as being in a much better place now, rating his mental health at a "nine out of 10".
But he understands the fragility of this state.
"Sometimes when the going gets tough, a bad thought may pop up. You have to acknowledge that it's there and then move on."
He has also improved his relationship with alcohol and made a pact with himself to steer clear from it if he feels down.
"I won't lie and say that I've quit drinking, but now I only drink when I'm happy."
For him, what has helped is "listening to daily affirmations and going for long walks in nature".
"I'm not shy to share with people how I feel, but that being said, I'm also very selective of who I hang out with now."
Shedding old friends who weren't such a positive influence was part of the healing process and what he "had to do" for himself.
His experience has also made him more aware of how he wants to show up for his children if they turn to him with their issues.
"Parents need to talk to their children and not just brush things aside when they share their problems.
"What's small to you as a parent could be huge for the child."
And as for how to speak to someone who is struggling, it is to "just sit with them and listen" and not dismiss it or attempt to divert their focus to something else.
Noel readily admits that he is regretful when it comes to his marriage and children.
"I love [my ex-wife] to this day, and it pains me that I can't be with my daughters every day.
"I cannot turn back time but I obviously wish that things were different. I would have done better with this current mindset."
And what is this current mindset?
"I've learnt to love myself, and appreciate myself for who I am. I no longer feel sorry for myself like I used to."
According to him, his friends and closest people around him have also seen a change.
"They see me laughing and smiling again, behaving like a clown," said Noel.
He's also more mindful about what he does to protect his mental health.
This also means staying away from "paranormal stuff" that brings along "negative energy" if he has to do research on it, unless it's something he thinks is interesting or worth doing.
That may include restarting his podcast, where he invites people to share their spooky encounters, he tells us.
He'd also recently started his own events business, Noel Boyd Productions, doing work that drives him.
"I love doing events, whether it's being on stage or planning an event. It's an honour to make people forget all their problems for just that one day or four hours, say for an event or dinner and dance. To me, it's a powerful responsibility."
Despite being in the best mental shape he's been in years, Noel doesn't just wonder if his depressive episodes will come back again. In fact, he knows it will.
"But I'm better equipped to deal with it now because I've got the right circle of people around me, a therapist whom I can speak to, and I've put in the work [to better prepare myself]."
His message to those who are struggling is that "there's a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you don't see it".
"There's a reason why you're here, but you've got to find that reason.
"And you've got to believe that you're so much stronger than you think you are."
ALSO READ: 'I was hearing voices in my head': Young woman shares how she's seeking help and preparing herself to return to workforce
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